My “Why?”

My next appointment with my endocrinologist is the first week of October, and I have already started preparations. I know this may seem a little silly for some, but when I go to see my endo, I sometimes feel exposed.

For me, diabetes can be a very invasive disease. My overall health depends on how well I have been “behaving” and keeping myself healthy. How much I eat, sleep, workout, and weigh all depend on my health goals, and my endo can see everything, especially when you wear a pump or CGM.

An insulin pump and CGM are a blessing and a curse. I can see my blood sugar patterns, where my highs and lows are, and if my insulin to carb ratio is accurate. I can also see when I get lazy and don’t exercise, if I eat too many carbs at mealtime, and if I give into temptations and eat that dessert. My endo can see all these things as well.

Now, I’m not saying I’m a “bad” diabetic. I do my best to eat right, exercise, and take my vitamins. But when I do slack a little, it shows. It shows in my A1C (currently 6.6, so I’m trying to bring it down), it shows in my blood sugar levels, and it shows on my pump. So, when I slack, I cannot hide it. That is a lot of pressure.

Therefore, when I have an endocrinologist appointment, I like to get prepared. I exercise, walk a couple of extra rounds around the office, take all my vitamins, and most importantly eat healthy and count those carbs!

All these things got me to thinking, “Why?”. What’s the point of jumping through hoops, analyzing my every decision, and wondering if my next choice is for the good of my diabetes? It’s exhausting! And that is when I see my motivation.

He looks at me and smiles. He’s my reason why. Our future together is my reason why. The lovely and exciting unknown with him keeps me going.

My endo may see the good and sometimes the bad in my diabetes management, and he may give me stern looks from time to time, but that’s what he’s there for. He’s there, so I can have a future.

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What keeps you going through the tough times?

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